Ages 6 to 11

I was now free of the person who hurt me. Going to therapy, and everyone tried to get me to forget what happened to me. As the years passed, I started hating everyone because I didn't understand how no one knew what was happening at home. Wishing that I could forget, but I couldn't. My dreams wouldn't let me. People treat me differently because my mom told everyone what happened to me. I wasn't telling anyone; no one knew what he had done to me. I only ever said he had me touch him, and he touched me and kissed me down there. No one knew what I did to him, and I never wanted anyone to know.

Then came the year I was nine years old. My mom worked at a pizza place, answering phones. I was there with her for a while, and she was almost off work, so I went to sit in the car and wait for her. A man came in to grab his pizza order, and they started talking, which seemed like forever for a nine-year-old sitting in a car waiting to go home. I remember falling asleep in the car and waking up when she arrived. The clock said eleven pm. We drove home, and I went to bed. I woke up the following day and got ready for school.

When I came home from school, that man I saw last night was at my house. I asked my mom where her boyfriend was because he wasn't there, which embarrassed her. She told the man it wasn't serious. When I tell you this, I am not exaggerating; she had this man move in a week, and they were engaged. Once he moved in, everything changed. He started hitting my mom, my brother, and me. He never touched my sister, though. My mom thinks it was because she was two, maybe three, at the time. One day, my Tia saw bruises all over me again and straight away confronted him.

She was pregnant at the time and started punching him and yelling. Again, my mom got in between these two, and my Tia left, crying through the windows that she wasn't coming to their wedding, and proceeded to throw a bottle through the window. My mom broke up with him, and he left. A day later, when we were asleep, there was a knocking at the door. My mom answered, and it was him crying, saying that it would never happen again. He would never hit us again; please take me back. My mom woke me up and asked me. I told her No! he hit us.

She didn't listen, though. When I had awakened, he was there. I left for school and came home, and he was still there. That was the day everything else changed. He told me not to look at him or talk to him and that he wasn't even there, which, of course, my mom allowed. She told me that he would get over it and everything would be okay. It was not. The day of their wedding was coming quickly.

They had known each other for six weeks and were married at a Catholic Church having a Catholic wedding. My mom was not Catholic. She was Christian, but since he was Catholic, they had it there. At the same church, I was going to therapy. I was already being abused again physically and sexually, and I didn't repeat anything. Why, you ask, reading this? He was PSCHOTIC!!! Not lying I was terrified of him. He told me the same thing the other stepfather said. He would Kill us all, and I completely believed it with him. He had already taken a knife to my mom's throat once during an argument.

So, Yes, I believed him. Anyway, he and my mom went to Mexico for their honeymoon so she could meet his mom and the family who lived there. My mom and he got his brother to watch me and my siblings while they were gone. During this time, his brother would have me sit on his lap, and he would move around where I could feel his penis through my clothes. I was so scared he would try something with me, but he never did.

When my mom and her new husband came home, I told her what he did. She told her husband, and he said he would ask his brother. I can't tell you if he did. I doubt he did. When his brother left, he told my mom I was lying and that I got in trouble for talking back, and that's why I am saying this. I was told to go into my room, and he would be there in a minute. When he came in, he beat the hell out of me for telling on his brother and that my mom didn't believe me anyway. Days and weeks passed, and he was always " disciplining" me for something or another, and at night, while my mom was in the shower, he came into my room and touched me.

Christmas came, and I got a doll I had wanted so badly. I left it on the sofa to go to the bathroom, and when I came out, it was gone. I asked my mom if she knew where it was, and he said he threw it away because I didn't want it since I had left it on the sofa. I was crying so much. I had just got it for Christmas, and now it was in the garbage. My mom and he started fighting, and he beat her up. We were all put in our rooms, but we still heard it. I was sitting there in my bed, crying and wondering why she wanted to be with him. Yes, I was nine, but I knew it shouldn't have been that way. One day I came home from school and my mom was packing.

I was told that he had bought a house for us and that we were moving to Sauk Village. That was about thirty minutes away from my Tia and my grandma. Since my mom and he got married, he wouldn't let me see them as often as I did before, and he made my mom quit her job because he didn't want her to work. So we moved sometime in January of 1988. The house was nice and big, but not like our little apartment. Three of my uncles also lived in the same town. Who, by the way, we never saw either. He kept us away from our family. Once we moved there, there were a lot of changes.

My mom wasn't allowed outside without him, including in our backyard. Our blinds were not permitted to be open; we were not allowed to go to church anymore, and she couldn't even go grocery shopping without him. My mom also had a sweet tooth, and she always had some sweets in the house, and that also stopped. He would only buy us raisin bran or Total cereal. When my mom made dinner, he ensured he served my brother and me adult servings, and we had to eat all of it. During this time, things were getting worse and worse.

When he enrolled us in school, he told my brother and my teachers that he wanted a note sent home every day with a smiley face or frown. He also told them he wished to have homework sent home daily for us. So, with that, we came home every day and went into our rooms to do homework, and when we were done, he would check it and give me more homework. One day, I came home from school, and a lock was outside my door. I was told that I was being locked in and would have to knock if I needed to use the bathroom or be done with homework and that he would let me out for dinner. During all this, my mom did nothing to stop it.

Now I think back and think that she never stopped him because he would beat her more. Getting beat was an everyday occurrence for me, and him coming into my room at night while she was in the shower was happening more often. He worked nights at the trainyard and slept during the day, so we always had to be quiet when waking up for school. We had to stay in our rooms on the weekends until he woke up and said we could come out, which is when he would lock me in and give me homework. During this time, my mom found out she was pregnant for the fourth time.

Things were getting worse and worse. I was constantly calling the police to come to the house. My mom would never press charges, and they would leave. I got beat for calling the police, and she got beat again because I called the police. I never got in trouble at school and always came home with smiley faces, but I would still get hit for whatever reason he chose. We were never allowed to watch TV in the mornings, and one day, my mom turned on the news as we were getting ready for school.

My brother was in the living room, and when he heard the front door open, he ran to his room. Our stepfather saw him, and my mom ran up the stairs saying she had the news on, but he beat my brother anyway, and he didn't go to school for a few days because of the bruises. My grandma and Tia would always call the house, and he only let my mom talk to them. One day, he told me they wanted to talk to me and not to say anything and that he would listen on the other end of the phone. They told me they missed me and asked me if everything was ok at home. I had to lie and say, "Yes, everything is fine." then he would come into the kitchen and tell me I had to hang up, and he would take the phone and hang it up. No goodbye or anything.

He would always tell us what happens at home and stays at home. It was no one else business. My mom would leave him here and there, but he would always find us and promise her things would change and that it wouldn't happen again. Of course, she would believe him since he would cry and beg her to come back. We missed a lot of school because she picked us up and left him. She talked him into letting her return to church, which lasted a little while. He timed my mom and checked the car mileage to ensure it was the church and back we were going to.

Then came the Christmas of 1988 when he let my mom invite family over to visit. On Christmas Eve, he changed his mind, and they started arguing. My mom was eight months pregnant, and he threw her into the dresser and beat her because she didn't want to cancel our Christmas. When we woke up the next day, she had two black eyes and could barely lift her arm. Our family showed up and saw the bruises but didn't say a word. There was never any help from our family. They all knew and didn't say a word. We lived in HELL every day, and no one ever said anything.

The next day, my mom packed us up and left him once again, and she went to the doctor to get checked out. She had a broken nose and a fractured arm. The baby was ok, though. Afterward, we went to my grandma's, and he showed up there and begged my mom back again. Of course, she returned because she had no job, and we couldn't stay at my grandma's apartment forever. So, we went back, and things got even worse.

During this time, so many other things happened. One time, he tried to put my hand in boiling water because I colored my nails with a marker; another time, he beat me because they had a sitter watch us, and my brother got in trouble, and she locked him in the closet. I got beat for that because I didn't stop her even though we were told to listen, do what she said, and behave. Then there was the time that my mom tried to leave, and he caught us and tried to run us off the road. He beat my mom and told her she wasn't going to church anymore. There was even a time when the school counselor saw my back through my t-shirt, called me back to her office, and asked me to lift my shirt. I was covered in bruises and scratches all over my back. She called the police and CPS.

One day, they were at my house when I came home and wanted to speak to me and my brother. They were asking us questions, but we knew we had to lie, so we did. They told my mom and him they would take us out of the house if they got called again. After they left, he beat me for telling the school counselor and having the police and CPS called. There was always something happening in our house. By this time, the police were coming twice a week, always the same police officers. They would tell my mom there was nothing they could do if she would not press charges.

Finally, one day, she did press charges and got a restraining order against him, which never stopped him. He took a few suitcases with him and left. Later, my mom found out he took all our baby books, pictures, and whatever else she had and burned everything up. So, the only baby pictures I have of myself are what my grandmother had. Out of everything this man did to us, she took him back. Late January came around, and my mom went into labor. She had my baby sister on January 31st, 1989.

The night she had my sister was the first time he tried to have sex with me. My siblings and I were in his room watching a movie on the bed, and he sat on the bed with us and started to grope my chest and kiss me on my neck. My brother happened to turn around and see him doing this, and he kicked them out of the room. Told me to shower and return when I was done so we could make sure I cleaned my body right. I took my shower and tried to walk past his room to mine, but he caught me and told me to get in the bedroom. He stood up and started looking at me, took my towel off, and made me lay in the bed. That was when he climbed on top of me and groped me so hard I started to cry, and that is when he tried to penetrate me. I started crying harder, and he covered my mouth, but since I was a virgin, he couldn't, so he rubbed his penis on me until he climaxed and told me to take another shower. The next day, he told me never to tell anyone else again.

But I did tell my mom a few weeks after she came home. I told her everything he did to me and my brother saw it. She did ask him and then confronted my stepfather with all the information, and he told her that it was all lies. I was jealous of the new baby and trying to get attention. My mom believed him and told me there was no way it could happen to the same person twice. I was so scared after that because I was waiting for him to come and beat me to death. But he didn't; He didn't do anything at all that day. I was so scared. I knew something was going to happen. I didn't know when or what.

I still couldn't believe my mom didn't believe me or my brother. She said her husband had said nothing had happened; he whispered something in my ear that's all. I was so angry and hurt that she didn't believe me and told me it couldn't happen twice to the same person. After that, I lost trust in everyone. I couldn't tell Tia or Grandma because we couldn't talk to them unless he was listening on another phone. I couldn't tell anyone at school because they would tell my mom and him. They would have just said I was lying. I had no one to turn to. Then, one day, he came into my room while my mom was in the shower, and I was fake sleeping. I wouldn't roll over, so he got mad and went into his room. I regretted it the next day, though, because he beat me.

I was truly living in HELL. I wasn't allowed outside, I wasn't allowed out of my room, I was allowed to watch TV and play with my family. I am pretty sure he wanted to erase me from the house. Finally, one day, my mom left him; this time, it was for good. She kicked him out. You wanna know why she kicked him out? She was tired of living on eggshells, getting beat, and being unable to live her life. I was 10 years old by this time and was just used to calling the police, getting beat, and molested. In my head, I was sure she would let him come back. I mean, she always did. She didn't, though. Later on in my teenage years, I found out it was actually because he was cheating on her and had another woman pregnant.

He moved into his apartment, and when he wanted to see my sister, we all had to go. He and my mom would take a "nap" and leave us in the living room. All we had to do there was watch TV. She acted like everything was okay because she wasn't taking him back, but I never understood why she would still sleep with him; I honestly still don't understand it to this day. For two years, it was like this. When she couldn't go because she had to work, She would have all of us go with him. That's when he tried to take "naps" with me. I was so glad my sisters and brother were there because they constantly knocked on his bedroom door and walked in. If they didn't do that, I am sure he would have raped me. He was getting closer and closer to us every time we went there by ourselves.

I would have a fit whenever my mom said he was picking us up and did not want to go. She finally ended it by the time I was 11 years old. A few months passed, and I didn't see him anymore. I was starting to feel safe again until, one day, my mom said we had to go see him because he wanted to see my sister. I was so upset because I didn't want to go there and I told her again that when we go there he makes me lay in bed with him and he touches me. Again, she blew it off, saying don't go with him. It will be fine. I don't think she got it, and she knew I was terrified of him, but here I go again to his house. He tried to get me into his room, but I told him I couldn't because I had to stay with my baby sister. He ended up taking us home. I was so glad he just took us home and that this visit wasn't long.

.